CHELSEA vs LIVERPOOL, Sunday February 27th, 16:30pm
Chelsea @ 21/10
Liverpool @ 5/4
Draw @ 21/10
view odds
The weekend’s biggest fixture sees Chelsea meet Liverpool in the EFL Cup Final at 4:30pm on Sunday. The chief narrative leading into the clash is likely to be centred around the form of the teams’ respective striking units.
As someone who has turned laziness into something of an artform, hearing about Lukaku’s magnificent 7 (SEVEN) touches in 90 minutes against Crystal Palace last Saturday has had me shaking my head in awed admiration all week. A display of pure artistry!
But, having finally watched the fabled touches – yes, all of them – I was further agog to discover that the first of them was the unchallenged kick-off, and another two were from what was soon-to-be-revealed as an off-side position. You could argue, therefore, quite convincingly, that Lukaku only made four competitive touches during the game.
‘Chapeau!’ I exclaimed in galvanic wonderment at the TV screen, and lifted my imaginary trilby aloft with such force that I painfully tweaked a muscle in my shoulder.
Perhaps I was giving Lukaku too much credit, though? Perhaps his paucity of involvement was not a consequence of his laziness, but was chiefly due to Thomas Tuchel’s highly-restrictive tactical straight-jacket?
Or perhaps, I began to wonder as delirium from my painkillers started to kick-in, what Lukaku is actually doing is attempting to transcend modern footballing strategies entirely? Could it be the case that the Belgian is developing a brand new way of playing the game based on the mythical Chinese martial arts technique of Dim Mak?
Roughly translated as the ‘Touch of Death’, this method of attack incapacitates an opponent with a small number of very precise strikes. Dim Mak exists primarily in classic kung fu movies, though more modern audiences may recall the deployment of the ‘Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique’ at the conclusion of Quentin Tarantino’s opus Kill Bill.
Could this be what Lukaku is trying to do? Refine his game, boil it down to its very essence? Attempt to defeat the opposition with five (or possibly fewer) well-aimed, but ultimately devastating touches? And if this is the case, how exactly does he plan to administer these decisive blows if he is sat scowling impotently on the subs bench?
No need to cultivate new, innovative goal-scoring stratagems for Liverpool’s striking trident. They are absolutely mastering the ancient craft of ‘Sticking It In The Onion Bag’ – Salah (19), Jota (12), and Mané (11) currently occupy positions 1, 2 and 3 in the Premier League’s top scorer table.
In fact, so buoyant must Liverpool feel following Manchester City’s unexpected defeat last Sunday, and their very own thrashing of Leeds on Wednesday, that they may well be wishing they didn’t have to contest the pesky EFL Cup Final this weekend, and could crack on with their reinvigorated quest for Premier League glory instead.
Because the title race is back on, folks! By all means start you salivation engines for April 10th when Liverpool and Manchester City meet at The Etihad. Though, please, do make sure you stay fully rehydrated between now and then.
It’s been quite a week for City’s slayers Tottenham Hotspur too. After their thrilling, narrative-buckling victory last Sunday – which looked to have instantaneously united the club and buttressed its wobbling manager – defeat against Burnley in midweek sent everyone straight back down into an inky trough of depression; especially Antonio Conte, who, post-match, looked like he might just quit on the spot.
Tottenham are famous for being ‘Spursy’, but this week’s fluctuation was of a different variety: the contrast sharper, the extremes much greater. Are Tottenham, like Lukaku, attempting to break new ground? Are they also on the brink of assuming a dangerous, volatile new form? Are we about to witness the unveiling of a hitherto unforeseen level of ‘Spursiness’? Giga-Spurs?!
Tottenham play a Leeds in freefall in Saturday’s midday kick-off. The foot of the table has concertinaed discordantly of late, but which faltering giant – Leeds? Newcastle? Everton? – will be drawn towards eventual relegation by its intoxicating, funereal dirge?
