Leeds @ 1/33
Leicester @ 1/7
Everton @ 3/1
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I am loath to criticise the writers of the entertainment programme The Premier League – I would very much like to have their job one day. But there are a few things I would’ve done differently had I been in charge of the script-writing process as we approach the final instalment of this season.
For one thing, I would have left more to be decided on the last day. Champions? Sorted. Top Four? Sorted. Yes, there is the small matter of who joins Southampton in the remaining relegation berths. But even that outcome looks to have been heavily signposted. Unless – unless – groundwork has been laid for a very late twist?
And I know not everyone is as fond of comedy subplots as I am; but a light-hearted story involving two players who suddenly discover that they are long-lost brothers is something I would have added to the tapestry too – with Jack Grealish and Harry Maguire pencilled-in for the roles.
It has been a season coda which has featured some intriguing, often incompatible, factoids though. Manchester City, for example, are being proclaimed by many as the greatest team in the history of football. And yet they only sealed the Premier League title on the penultimate weekend of the season.
Surely a truly great team would have had it clinched by mid-February? A great team would’ve coasted home, slowed to a jog, turned-off the engine and taken in the scenery as they high-fived random passers-by down the home straight. And they also would not have needed a calamitous choke from Arsenal to help them over the line.
Yes, that’s right, you heard me: I said choke. Because it was one. A massive one. A vast, glistening Nebuchadanezzar of a bottle job. An epic, self-inflicted, late-in-the-race collapse that would’ve made Devon Loch wince with embarrassment.
To defend Arsenal, some have drawn attention to Manchester City’s immeasurable wealth, as if it just dropped from the sky last September. It has known about for ages, lads. And perhaps the investigation into the legality of how it has been implemented will provide a compelling, protracted, overarching plot-line that will snake its way through next season? But City’s piggy-bank had nothing to do with Arsenal drawing 3-3 at home with Southampton. That’s on you.
But while Arsenal have ended the season searching for excuses, their neighbours, Tottenham, are once again searching for a new manager. And, to the surprise of few, it looks like it’s going to be a demoralising, Sisyphean undertaking. Daniel Levy is currently experiencing more cold, wordless, dismissive rejections than the time I inadvertently found myself in the VIP lounge of a Stockholm nightclub during fashion week.
Perhaps Spurs are setting their sights a shade too high? Perhaps they could be looking a little closer to home for their next coach? On someone who is soon to become available, and has had a transformative effect on all the Premier League clubs he has managed? A man whose managerial reputation has never dipped below the levels of expectation? Go on, lift the nation’s spirits through the football-free summer, do it for the lols…give it to Frank Lampard…
Though they won’t be of laughter, tears will surely flow on relegation day. But from whose eyes? Surely not Everton’s – who know they only need to beat an on-the-beach Bournemouth at home to ensure survival. And surely not from defensive bulwark, Yerry Mina – whose late goal last weekend may have decisively nudged the scales in their favour.
More likely they will come from the players and fans of Leicester and Leeds, who will be hoping and praying for calamity at Goodison Park. Unless, as I mentioned above, we are all being duped into a rug-pulling late shock? May the least calamitous team win!
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