Football,

Arsenal Facing Rice Shortage

SPURS VS ARSENAL


Spurs @ 9/5
Arsenal @ 27/10
Draw @ 11/4
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The big news stories of Japan rarely make the headlines in the UK – our news is more concerned with reporting which flavour of Pot Noodle Taylor Swift’s boyfriend has just endorsed in Kansas.

But Japan is currently experiencing its biggest rice shortage in around 30 years – there are empty shelves, rocketing prices, and authorities are remonstrating with shoppers to avoid panic buying.  This alarming dearth of produce has been blamed on a range of factors: ravenous tourists, poor weather, and decades of misguided farming policy.

The Arsenal manager, Mikel Arteta, is also fond of pointing the finger of blame – though very rarely at himself – and he, too, is facing a concerning Rice-oriented deficit this weekend.

Declan Rice, who has been a reliable presence in central midfield for The Gunners since he signed from West Ham last season, will be absent from the starting XI due to suspension.  The Arsenal menu, therefore, will have to be formed around another anchoring carbohydrate base.

But chef Arteta also looks set to be unable to call upon Martin Ødegaard, as well as new signing Riccardo Calafiori.  Mikel Merino, Takehiro Tomiyasu, Kieran Tierney, and Gabriel Jesus have all been labelled unripe and/or injured too.

Given this depleted stock cupboard, Arsenal would probably prefer to be taking on a nice, tender, sushi-sized minnow this weekend.  A team they can swallow whole in one robotic, undemanding motion.  Points have already been dropped, you see, and Manchester City – pronged by a lean, summer-sharpened Erling Haaland – are already looking dangerously Michelin-starred.

But, instead, The Gunners have got a potentially Scoville scale troubling North London Derby to contend with – Tottenham Hotspur v Arsenal is a 2pm kick-off on Sunday.

The pressure cooker is also beginning to rumble ominously to the north of Seven Sisters Road.  Another poor performance and pan lids could begin to rattle and fall noisily to the floor.  Ange Postecoglou needs to quickly find a formula – a new, more penetrating, mouth-watering combination of ingredients – in order to please his paying punters.

And given that Spurs haven’t beaten Arsenal in their last four clashes, the timing of this encounter is decidedly unpropitious for the hosts too.

Some of the usual lifelines and excuses can no longer be called upon.  Three courses of fixtures have already been consumed.  The transfer window is now closed – the opportunity for Premier League panic buying has passed.  And the international break has given managers time to assess their options and scribble wildly upon whiteboards.

The starter has been gobbled; mouths have been wiped fulsomely on sleeves – it is now time for the main course.  But who possesses the keenest appetite for success and glory?  Who has left sufficient room for more?  Who has unwisely stuffed themselves with butter and bread rolls?

Proving that simply spending lots of money doesn’t immediately guarantee success and quality in football, Chelsea conclude Saturday’s taster menu with a trip to Bournemouth.

Does Enzo Maresca have a realistic chance to Gordon Ramsey his fattened squad into something presentable and elite?  Or are Chelsea doomed to become something else entirely – a garish, gluttonous, financial mess; the Salt Bae of football clubs?

Perhaps that tag should be hung around the neck of Manchester United?  Just one win from their opening three fixtures, but Erik ten Hag gets the opportunity to serve up another fresh footballing fillet this weekend – former PSG midfielder Manuel Ugarte is said to be sufficiently seasoned to line-up against Southampton in Saturday’s early kick-off.

Is the Uruguayan the elusive keystone who can unite the disparate array of dishes at the Old Trafford buffet?  Or is he merely another serving of undercooked and over-priced chopped liver?


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