Friday 11th August, 8pm
Burnley @ 17/2
City @ 9/2
Draw @ 1/3
view odds
The Premier League summer hiatus of 2023 hasn’t felt quite as vast and soul-numbing as it has in previous years. Other sports have stepped-up admirably to help Polyfilla the void.
The Women’s World Cup has delivered a decent supply of early-morning footballing shocks and stamps, too – as well as some truly calamitous penalty kicks – to help make the transition back into our familiar weekly routine one of rare ease.
For those strange people whose lives don’t revolve around major sporting occasions, entertainment and distraction has also been provided via the return of the summer blockbuster. The Barbenheimer phenomenon resulting in big pictures making big money for relieved cinemas.
Already, as we approach the opening weekend of the new Premier League season, the big picture for football is clear. And it consists of all the other teams in the division trying to prevent Manchester City from claiming a fourth successive title.
To a large extent, the first few rounds of fixtures will be characterised by who, of the major contenders, is best equipped to deal with their respective striking deficiencies.
City are fine, of course. They have a blonde blockbuster of their own leading their line – their very own bombshell; their very own, special, record-breaking Barbie in Erling Haaland.
Ably buttressed by Julián Álvarez, the changes to other parts of the City XI are unlikely to have much effect on the potency of this gleaming, tungsten spearhead.
In order to capitalise on this market strength I have pitched an advertising campaign featuring Erling Haaland to the CEO of Unilever. Together I believe we can help resurrect another iconic brand: Timotei shampoo. Picture the ad: an iridescent Erling indulgently unspools his flaxen mane in the centre of the pitch, turns, pouts to the camera, and smashes in a long-range goal. Tagline: ‘Neither sham, nor poo.’
Alas, I am yet to hear back.
Desperate to have their own fair Scandinavian Barbie up top, Manchester United have splurged a reported £72 million on 20 year-old Danish hitman, Rasmus Højlund. An ill-timed injury issue means United will have to arrange an alternative forward formation for their early games. And we will have to wait and see if they have signed the genuine article, or merely an inferior Haaland copy. A Sindy, if you will.
Despite spending big in the summer, last season’s runners-up Arsenal will also start the season a little light in attack due to a Gabriel Jesus setback. Comments were made following their recent Charity Shield triumph that The Gunners were now primed to go one better in the forthcoming league campaign.
But it is worth remembering that Liverpool beat Manchester City 3-1 in last year’s curtain raiser – with Darwin Núñez looking like a world-beater, and Erling Haaland fluffing an easy late chance. Safe to say, this was not an accurate indicator of their respective season trajectories.
The opening weekend of Premier League action has also managed to provide us with a very intriguing blockbuster clash of ‘Big Six’ teams who will be looking to bounce back following disappointing outings in 2022/23. Chelsea v Liverpool is a 4:30pm kick-off on Sunday.
Liverpool will have all their firepower at their disposal – their main concern is how best to arrange their depleted midfield pieces. But despite a dizzying ride on the transfer carousel, a pre-season knock for new acquisition, Christopher Nkunku, has left Chelsea still facing striking conundrums.
And how on earth are Tottenham Hotspur going to cope now that Harry Kane’s desire to win trophies and wear lederhosen in public has seen him march off to Munich?
So, of the returning Premier League blockbuster franchises – the so-called ‘Big Six’ – who will emerge from the opening weekend with the biggest haul? Whose stock will be highest? Who will be the billion-dollar Barbie? And will everyone else once again find themselves fighting for a respectable second place behind Manchester City? Are all the other challengers merely Oppenheimer?
And is the ‘Big Six’ even a valid label anymore? Newcastle and Aston Villa, this season, could well be looking to put the ‘Big Six’ tag…six feet under…
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