ARSENAL VS CRYSTAL PALACE
Saturday 20th January, 12:30pm
Arsenal @ 2/7
Draw @ 9/2
Palace @ 10/1
view odds
For those that don’t know, Numberwang was a fictitious afternoon gameshow which appeared as a running-sketch in the series That Mitchell and Webb Look. Prodding fun at the likes of Countdown and Going For Gold, the rules of the game in this instance were completely unfathomable – contestants called-out random numbers and were only deemed to have got the correct one when the host enthusiastically declared: ‘That’s Numberwang!’
Now, we are not there yet. But after this week’s announcements regarding potential points deductions, I fear this is where the Premier League is heading.
Football is supposed to be simple entertainment, you see. Anyone can follow the rules. You don’t need a PhD in calculus to get a firm grasp of proceedings. But, increasingly, some form of accountancy qualification is a desirable attribute.
If the current trajectory continues, more and more relegations will be decided, not by what happens on the football pitch, but by what happens in a courtroom. There will be an end-of-season league table festooned with a constellation of asterisks; and the dull dread of a briefcase full of files full of pages full of numbers will replace the euphoria of a late winning goal.
It will be a future where football’s major titles are decided not by which team has the most creative midfielder, but who has the most creative accountant. Though, one suspects, were that to happen right now, Manchester City would still win in both departments – somehow their 115 FFP charges, like Banquo’s ghost, are still only visible to exasperated Everton fans.
Obviously clubs must be run responsibly, for the sake of the communities they represent and the people they employ, but sporting outcomes should be decided by athleticism and skill; not by the distant deus ex machina of what bewildering sums and numbers a room full of lawyers and accountants can proclaim.
Because that’s not football, that’s Numberwang!
Nottingham Forest – who, like Everton, have also been threatened with a points deduction this week – take on Brentford in a 5:30pm kick-off on Saturday. After an impressive start, new Forest manager Nuno Espírito Santo will now have a fresh set of obstacles to overcome; including, how do you keep your players focused on the task at hand when any three points earned may be swiftly erased elsewhere? How do you keep them all motivated?
The Beatles’ celebrated 1968 release, generally referred to as The White Album, contains their most experimental, bizarre, and, for many people, downright hated track: Revolution #9. A sprawling, melody-free sound-collage which includes, amongst many other things, a recording of someone saying ‘number 9’ over and over again.
The overall effect of Revolution #9 could also be described as nightmarish, and I can’t help but wonder if it is an accurate representation of Mikel Arteta’s internal monologue right now. Because the Arsenal manager, too, could have a loop of someone saying ‘number 9’ going round and round inside his head.
‘We could win the title if we had a proper number 9, Mikel!’ ‘Why didn’t you sign a number 9 in the summer, Mikel?’ ‘Did you really think Kai Havertz could play as a number 9, Mikel?’ ‘Number 9, number 9, number 9…’
Arsenal v Crystal Palace is a 12:30pm kick-off this Saturday.
And while Arteta will be hoping his side won’t be too debilitated by the presence of a toothless target-man, and that the goals needed to keep Arsenal in the upper strata of the Premier League table will arrive from elsewhere, the stakes are even higher for the man in the opposition dug-out.
Because another defeat for the former England boss, Roy Hodgson, and his managerial number could well be up. ‘Ooh, so close, Roy, but that’s not Numberwang! I’m afraid you’re out of a job!’
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